Friday, January 13, 2006

Having an affair

In many forums, chat rooms, and blogs, one question that often pops up is whether one should fall in love with a married man/woman.

Without going into a religious or moral debate, here is my response: I don't see anything wrong with falling in love with another married man/woman

A lot of people argue this way . . .

"HE/SHE WILL NEVER BE YOURS. " My response: how sure are you? If he/she is looking around, then there is something lacking in his marraige.

"YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE HURT." Again, how sure are you that you won't be hurt? Or, the flip side, how sure are you that you won't be hurt EITHER WAY with or without him/her? Let me put it this way. In every relationship, there will always be pain. And even in a marraige is no guarantee that the relationship will last forever. So if you feel you will be happier with him/her than without him/her, then why not?

"YOU ARE BREAKING UP A FAMILY." How sure are you that it is YOU who is breaking up the family? Maybe it was doomed from the beginning? Maybe it was broken already? To think that you are the sole, lone, singular, number one reason for a marraige break-up is kinda arrogant. And maybe even without you the marraige will fail. In life, there is rarely a simple one-to-one cause-and-effect relationship---in many cases an end effect is the result of a multitude of causes.

"WHAT'S STOPPING HIM/HER FROM DOING IT TO YOU?" My response: if you think everything in life has a guarantee, then wake up and smell the coffee. In life there are no guarantees. Promises are broken. Contracts reneged. Even marraiges can be dissolved.

In short, I think the question is not about right or wrong. It is a question of whether you can live with the choices you made, the risks you've taken, and whether you can survive if the worst happens. Come to think of it, isn't that how life is---you are never really certain of what happens in life, so go where you think you will be happiest and live your life without regrets.


Blogger dcbato said...

first and foremost, all praises to your blog... it's cool, great and "informative", he,he... I do respect your insights on "having an affair" thing and I wish to add some comments also...

tho' I am not that religious - remember that "marriage" is a valid contract, sacred sanctity of two persons, etc, etc. Your insights do present a double dagger to the idea of falling in love with married people. Falling in love to a married person is never a quantified concept. Your ideas seems to coincide with people who have been married - meaning, you might have been divorced, annulled or in any case a failed marriage. But falling in love with a person who is still "legally" married is like throwing yourself into Fire. I find no offense with flirting, deeper friendship, companionship, and dark secrets of life even if you are married, but having a legal marriage and a legal wife does not quantify for you to fall in love with somebody else. If you know that you have a failed marriage, then quit the marriage first before loving someone. It's like having two legal jobs at the same time, which can never happen - knowing that the other can sue you in regards to "conflict of interest". I think if you are referring to the term "moving on" and "falling in love again" after a failed marriage - then that probably would prove a point. Of all the points posted in your insights there was one fallback answer to each and everyone - do you plan to get married and marry the love of your life and then plan to love somebody else also? I think not. "having an affair" should never be an excuse for married people - or else they should never have been married in the first place, even if you got the girl pregnant. No one plans to get marry the love of their life and then hopes that their marriage will fail. We all want a happy marriage and wants it to last. Else - if it wasn't meant to be, then there's always a divorce or a court settlement - then you can fall in love again... hey, just my 2 cents...

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe the question is how or why? Right or wrong, if it doesn't happen in real life then it's nothing more than an urban legend. If it does happen, what are the circumstances or element that makes it happen? Again, when you talk about love, it's never logical, and hardly ever legal/conforming to social norm. :-) Just wanted to point that out since we are not debating here whether or not it's good or bad, right or wrong, moral or inmoral, etc. But basically if it happened to you should you pursuit it? Well, if you're the married party, then I would assume you would probably have a lot of hesitation, "Why rock the boat?" On the other hand, being married doesn't guarantee happiness so if your marriage has been deem to doom, then I say "Follow your heart!"

On the other hand, if you're the "single/never been married/divorced/widowed" party, then try to determine for yourself what exactly is the cause of the attraction? What factor is causing you to be in love with this married person, simply because it's taboo? Or because you really enjoy each other's company, etc. Is it love or infacutation? Maybe you're just looking for a responsible type, someone to rely on? It really didn't who that person is, but any one who fits the criteria will do?

In the event both party are each married to different spouses, Please conside the distinct probability that you might end up destrying both of your families, especially if you both have kids already. If neither one has any children, then the collateral damage is limited but if one party has children (even just one child) then the matter will soon get complicated because sooner or later the children (child) would have to be told about the relationship if both party are to find peace, and if they happen to object then it's not going to be pretty or a happy ending. So if you are committed (married/live-in, etc.) I recommend not to go for it any more, unless you are prepared mentally, physicall and financially to meet whatever obligations and/or consequences that may come about as a result of pursuing this type of extra-marital relationships. Even if you don't sleep (read: have sex) with each other, it would still hurt the spouse (even more so if the spouse is the woman).

The way I look at it is this: when you get married, the marriage contract means a lot of things and fidelity is one of them, and by that I think the simplest definition would be not to be in a long-term relationship of any kind, beside your spouse. You have occasional moments of weakness, but that should be something you leave behind, once you step away from that, it should forgotten about and not nurtured and developed. (For the sake of you marriage along if nothing esle, but of course, if your marriage is already in the stage where there's no turning back, this doesn't apply to you.)

So, the next time you think you think you're falling in love with someone who's married, try to analyze your feeling and see if you're just experiencing a "complex" attack.
And if you happened to be one on the receiving end (read: you're the married party) then just be prepared to face all the consequence, good or bad, if you should decide to allow or develop such a relationship. :-)

6:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this topic tilts off at 'what ifs' side. you are not thinking of what is right, what you have vowed the day you have been tied to someone. why allow yourself fall in love to someone who is already attached when your final fall back is a failed relationship.
Do not jump in on a boat when you are perfectly sure that will make it sink.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Erynell Ray Evangelista said...

regardless of your arguments or circumstances, commiting adultery -
Go on, try on your conquests - you will be happy... for a time, you might get away with it, but you cannot choose the consequences of your actions.... you will break up families, hearts, minds, even your own resolve and honor among your own children (unborn or not) their respect for you as man will sorely be diminished.

So don't even think of going to hell or any religious "dogma", that wont be enough for anyone to restrain us.

4:05 AM  

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